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Description: The Opiate of the State Agencies
Last Update: 11:36:02 04/23/2005
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Additional Info
First Fetched: 00:17:58 01/31/2004
Last Updated: 11:36:02 04/23/2005
Headlines
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After a series of complex injections to the glutimus maximus (we had to look that up, too -- it means the "butt" area), our doctors have pronounced that we are finally clear of the Monkey Pox Virus. Sadly, since we are using the same health insurance given to state workers, we had to pay for all the injections ourselves. Hence, we have been forced to come back to work and pay for our co-payment. So here we are. The offices are a little dusty, the computers were infested with the Blaster Virus, and our rhyming dictionaries have been eaten by Japanese Beetles, but after a little fumigation, we're ready to roll again. Submissions are very welcome, so warm up your email client and send us some! Also, if you want to be alerted when we post new stuff, there's a place to put your email address on the right (no, we won't tell your boss you're looking forward to every new issue). Oh, Crap, part two. This time, it's personal...? No that doesn't sound right... We'll think of a better tag line ...
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| 18:23:41 October 26, 2003, Sunday (PST) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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| 17:17:02 October 26, 2003, Sunday (PST) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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"Oh, Crap" has received this image from unknown sources who claim that the man in the elephant costume is none other than our Governor, Jim Doyle. The governor's office has refused to confirm this....
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| 17:14:40 October 26, 2003, Sunday (PST) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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Governor Doyle, sensing faint displeasure from the electorate (and probably after watching California Governor Gray Davis pack his bags a few months into his own term), so he announced a plan to help retain skilled and talented employees within state government service. Even within the marble halls of the Capitol, the governor's staff admitted that they were aware of the stereotype government workers face: lazy, self-interested, bored, slack, and unable to getor find real employment in the private sector. In order to combat that stereotype, the governer has taken action. The governor has decided to cut $40 million from state agencies already staffed to their lowest levels in 20 years. You remember 1983, right? Before personal computers and networks and the Internet and email and desktop publishing and automation and all the other things 20 years of progress has gotten us? You remember standing in line at the DMV for four hours to renew your plates because everything was done on ...
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| 16:52:27 October 26, 2003, Sunday (PST) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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| 16:09:25 October 26, 2003, Sunday (PST) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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| 16:05:59 October 26, 2003, Sunday (PST) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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We spent all the profits from the first two months of publication of "Oh, Crap" on a hot new investment: Prarie Dog Farms. The brochure said we could sell them to zoos, petting zoos, and museums. It said the demand for Prarie Dog pets was sky rocketing among children and those over 65. We could even sell them to national make-up manufacturers to test new lipsticks on. The cost was low, and we could sell them for as much as $75 a pop. So now we all have monkeypox (or is it monkey pox?), and can't do much of anything. So it's not that we've been lazy, so much as we've been loving our prarie dogs just a little too much. In bed, the only thing we could do with any usefulness is to anticipate the next plagues upon our land, once SARS and monkeypox are cured: Duck pox, transmitted through contact with platypuses (platypi?) Gila Monster Pox, transmitted by sniffing fresh-cut grass clippings SARS Pox, transmitted through contact with off-brand magic markers Floor Cleaner Pox, from the ...
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| 10:57:52 June 12, 2003, Thursday (PDT) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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In the wake of huge deals with fast food companies and toy makers, Hollywood studios are cutting promotional, or "tie-in," deals with state agencies. The folowing is a partial list of how films and agencies will help promote each other: DOT and "The Hulk" - Universal Pictures will place a sign next to each of Wisconsin's Highway potholes that says, "Hulk! Smash!" DNR and "Terminator 3" - Warner Bros will pay to put a semi-realistic glowing-red eye on all deer killed this season in time for the DVD release. Killers of deer with CWD will get a free DVD. DEG and "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" Because everyone's pretty sure "the League" will tank also. Selected Milwaukee City Councilors will have cameos in "Dumb and Dumber 2" DOA and "American Pie 3: American Wedding" - Free pie. Or free screwings. Executive Offices and "Pirates of the Carribean" - No one knows what a film about thieving, undead lawyers pirates has to do with the Governors office, but announcements will be made ...
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| 09:37:08 May 21, 2003, Wednesday (PDT) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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You may not know this, but the writers, editors, and staffers here at "Oh, Crap" did not benefit from the recent approval of union contracts (and subsequent pay raises) because it is not yet an official arm of the government. Sure, you could write your congressperson or hold some sort of vigil, but we'd just prefer to take a break. We've been putting this publication together for three months now, despite budget issues, snow, interviews, graduations, freaky thunderstorms, war (though technically, a war is when two armies fight), deadlines, "Buffy" and "West Wing" finales, redesigns, domain changes, and occasional lower-back pain. We're taking two weeks off. If you want to help write for us, let us know in the meantime. See you in June....
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| 08:35:33 May 21, 2003, Wednesday (PDT) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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| 07:29:53 May 21, 2003, Wednesday (PDT) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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| 21:49:06 May 12, 2003, Monday (PDT) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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Document released today from unnamed indian gaming centers show that Governor Doyle has lost as much as $3.2 million to casinos. The implication that Dolye agreed to a 10-year gaming compact with indian nation casinos because of such "regular usage' has been making the rounds at local talkshows, which have been desperate for a juicy Democratic scandel since Bush took office more than two years ago. The Governor denied the story, claiming he was the "victim of a viscious smear campaign, perpetrated by actual Democrats who don't like the Republican direction I've taken the party." Governor Doyle, seen here with 'gaming buddy' William Bennett at the craps table and an undisclosed casino....
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| 09:47:27 May 12, 2003, Monday (PDT) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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A spokesperson for the legislature announced the creation of "McCarthy Days," a celebration of politics at its most devious. Activities include: A sing-a-long with the "Singing Senators:" Trent Lott, John Ashcroft, and Larry Craig. Innuendo Tug-of-War! Pin the Blacklist on the Commie (great fun with the kids because anything you pin the list on can be a pinko) What's Decency Got To Do With It? (a one-man play starring Abe Vigoda as Wisconsin's most famous senator) Red Easter Egg Hunt and (of course) pony rides, hotdogs, and free balloons for the kids....
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| 08:55:14 May 12, 2003, Monday (PDT) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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Would the person who searched this site for: "'Dubya giving evildoer Saddam a nuggie" please stand up. You need to learn how create less specific searches... Other winners for the week: crap management fly my monkeys! fly! al sahaf mohammed saeed dance mix grinch story and more than 100 searches (I kid you not) for variations of "Dukakis in Tank pic"...
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| 08:42:48 May 6, 2003, Tuesday (PDT) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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| 22:07:04 May 5, 2003, Monday (PDT) |
Source: Oh, Crap |
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